You’re driving your pick-up truck along a deserted road on a clear and still night, when suddenly you see a blinding light in front of you. Your car dies as several gray aliens start gliding towards you. What should you do?

Research has shown that 74 percent of potential alien abductees who panic end up scrambling up steep muddy inclines or running through impenetrable forest, only to be zapped unconscious.

Do not do anything that might encourage the aliens to mistake you for a cow, otherwise you will find that your bowels and bodily fluids have been removed before you can say “ruminant mutilation.”

Let’s face it—the aliens possess vastly superior intelligence to you and no matter how tightly you clench your sphincter, they will find a way to insert a probe whether you like it or not.

Try to be as boring and “unevolved” as possible. For example, don’t start juggling or show them that trick you do with your tongue, or they might think that you are an unusual specimen and cart you back to their galaxy.

Do you get annoyed when the children start playing with your stereo? When they start pushing buttons indiscriminately, it makes you want to shut them in the garden shed. Well, that’s precisely how aliens would react if you started showing a primitive curiosity about their superior technology. Press a few buttons and twiddle a few knobs in the control room. In no time you’ll wake up safely in your bed with nothing more than a headache, a sore ass, and a couple of missing hours