I recently graduated junior high and at the time I felt very lost and unsure about things I was experiencing what you would call an existential crisis which I've since learned is quite is actually quite common for my age so one day I decided to vent all my emotions out and I wrote them all out on paper and this is poem is a result of that.

Expectations will be the death of me
From day one day we are told what is expected of us:
confirmed, go to school, get the grades
you have to be the best - no room to screw up
We put our fate in the control of others
And wait to be judged
define ourselves by grades and numbers
forever believing that we're not good enough
Because our actions do not match our expectation
Were expected to know what we want to do for the rest of our lives
at the age of just 16
despite up until that point
having no real-life experiences
I mean, how could we?
At what point where we give the opportunity
the opportunity to grow as individual, discover ourselves
Live free from scrutiny
Teachers will tell you if you want to make something yourself
Then you need to go to university
It doesn't matter if it doesn't feel right, right now
but once you graduate things will become clear
5 years on and I find myself here
Grade 12 and about to choose my degree
Thought about my future terrifies me
I can't sleep or eat Its a reason for my dark thoughts at night,
the cause of my anxiety
because I don't have a five-year plan
And for some reason that makes me feel guilty
see my biggest fear in life is to settle
Just a thought of it haunts me in my I sleep
I’ve seen too many people give up and live a life full of regret
and I don't want that to be me
to choose stability over your dream
Is to let society win,
and I can't do that I'm sorry
get a nine-to-five job buy a house married before 30
work eat sleep repeat
the average 21st daily routine
no passion or drive just living machines
Whose only motivation is making enough money
Ask yourself
Are you living or merely existing?
See I'm 17 yet I feel I know very little about real stuff
Like what the world looks like on the other side
Or how it feels to fall in love
To settle now would be to give up
I'm discovering who I really am
I want to learn and explore
And maybe I'm just wasting time and nothing will come of it
But I need to take that chance
I need to know for sure
I'm sorry but I cannot be who you want me to be
Because to do that would sacrificing everything that makes me, me
And settling for a life where I'll never truly be happy
I spent my whole life trying to please others.
It gets tiring and lonely
I'm forever trapped by the expectations of society,
And I feel I'll never escape from this feeling
I am calm on the outside but inside I am screaming
See, despite my best efforts; I don't know what I'm doing in my life
My future should not be dictated by a strand or degree I chose at 16
Because everyone around me told me it was the right thing
I look but now and I can't help but disagree
But the truth is
I say I have all these ambitions and dreams
How I want to change the world and spread positivity
But I fear soon I'll have to face reality
The doubts in my mind will take over and the passion inside me will die.
I’ll surrender to the pressures of society and surrender to a comfortable life
One with no hopes no passions, no desires
Just the same old routine
Never to know what it feels like to be alive.

So, I wrote this when I was going through a difficult time in my life. I just graduated. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. I really just want to provide my family with the life they deserve and I was advised that STEM would be a good path to go down. So, I did everything that was expected of me and I always thought that once I graduate things would magically fall into place. I'd just know what to do with my life and I just know what path to take. But unfortunately, the reality was the opposite. I had no idea what I was doing. I had these sudden realizations that actually being in a medical profession wasn't what I was passionate about; it's not what I saw myself doing for the rest of my life. I felt stuck. I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. I don't know who I am and when you don't have that choice. You settle. And that's my biggest fear. The idea that you can spend your whole life that you don't really care about, terrifies me.
I was questioning between the right path and the unknown path, the right path being I have a medical degree. I've got the qualifications just to carry on going down that route and the unknown path of taking the time to figure out who you really are. You know going out of your comfort zone, trying new things and slowly learning yourself along the way. The problem with this is its very unstable. I come for a background were poor and we don't have enough money. I very much focused on grades and results and that's how I based my worth. So, to go from that to a situation
with completely unpredictable, you know I could be doing this for a few years and still be in the same position as I started. That's scary to me. But not as scary as settling. Initially, I find it really really hard. I pretty much felt like a failure and it comes to the worst part when we have problems financially. I grew up in a broken family so it's a challenge for me so I started to work as a crew at McDonald's. My only goal there was to earn money. It really is tiring in the morning I wake up at 5 am to ready myself to work and worked 6 hours just to earn 60 pesos per hour. And another 7 hours for school. Then an opportunity came I was recommended by a teacher offering me to apply for a scholarship. At first I was hesitant and I have the doubts of me not qualified and not believing myself. I tried but I that time I didn’t believe in myself. Suddenly the results are out I was shocked because I didn’t even know I got in. I just realize how lucky I am and that came an idea that I myself wanted to be a teacher.
Which leads me onto the next part of my view of success. I used to see success as something that could be measured in terms of grade and results, but I now see it in a much holistic way. The fact that I want to teach and learn more ideas and use my voice and someone can learn from it
and it can help them through their day, that's success I my eyes It made me realize you may fail today and got lost on track you need to have patience and take time with yourself It's something that's quite simple but we don't a put a lot of focus on. So, I want to ask. Do you feel like the life that you live today? Your job, your friends what you choose to do your spare time your hobbies. Do you feel like all of those things actually reflect who you truly are? I also want to say that if there's anyone who has a passion for something just go for it.

We should all be given the opportunity to figure out who we really are
And we should be given the opportunity right from the very start
Schools should educate and instill these values at a young age
So that we don't wake at our 40’s thinking we made a great mistake
Living with the regret that we wasted our whole life away
Grades and results are important
and so is understanding yourself
Living a happy and fulfilled life
That's the true meaning of well